coattails.org

COATTAILS FASHION RANT

noreply@blogger.com (Merlin) — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 19:27:00 +0000

MenStyle Analyst Chas Darby Talks Fashion Fauxs For Men

Anyone who has observed the garish parade that has passed for hipster fashion these past few years has no doubt noticed a disturbing new trend: The Bierdo. The flannels and the skinny jeans were bad enough! Now its all the rage to grow a long disgusting beard,start literallly shitting on yourself, and asking every guy that passes in the street, working hard for his new Italian pointy shoes and two collared shirts, for spare change. I'm not the one with the million dollar Indie rock record deal!

Now, I'm not knocking the idea of going out into the middle of nowhere, chopping wood and growing a beard like a real man, and some of the music isn't so bad (I like sitting in my office and listening to some Fleet Foxes or Iron & Wine every now and then, you know, reliving my Dave Matthews college days.)But is it so wrong that I like my popstars in eye-liner, and not puking on themselves in the middle of the sidewalk with their junky-chic puppy eating it? And when did American Apparel start selling over sized piss-soaked military jackets?

So note to all you hipster bierdos out there: No one cares how cool you are at the Beauty Bar because you twitch and mumble and shit on yourself. If you want respect in the real world then trim your beard, buy some product, and quit screaming about Satan.

Your Typical Hipster "Bierdo":

NEW! COATTAILS MOUSE POINTER KITE!

noreply@blogger.com (Julian) — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 05:35:00 +0000

We invented this for all you dumb fucks who think it's clever, funny and/or cool in any way. As a bonus for all who purchase this stupid piece of shit in the next 24 hours, Julian, Oliver and Merlin (Presidents of Coattails) will personally call you with a barrage of insulting put downs and hateful slurs. You're welcome, loser.

FASHION WEEK 2010

noreply@blogger.com (Julian) — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 20:35:00 +0000

For the 150th consecutive year Coattails held the prize for "Highest Fashion" on the runway at fashion week in Paris, New York, and Milan in 2009. "The 2010 collection is very important. No one has ever explored the fashion of Thanksgiving! I am impressed." said Channel design icon Karl Lagerfeld. Many praised the S/S 2010 collection calling it "the clothes Jesus and his disciples would've worn if they were at Thanksgiving". Here's a rundown on each piece revealed yesterday at Coattails secret space station runway show somewhere in outer space:

This fierce number blew our minds and reinvented the definition of Thanksgiving haute couture. Head dress woven from vintage discarded dreamcatchers circa 1883 decorated with cocteau feathers, rubies and diamonds $3,400.00. Top and pant beaded and stitched calf $6,500.00. Komodo Dragon loafers $8,500.00

Mister, could you please talk me out of anything I hold dear with your big city lingo?! Coattails' designer Julién C. Durón offers up this unique and spicy alternative to the little black hoodie and skinny jeans. This modern 'pilgrim' wears Goose lined Penguin hat $3,000.00 Chiffon blouse and pant with Silk cuffs $2,300.00 Big brass buckle alligator slip-ons $1,500.00.

Some suggested this palette was inspired by Pocahontas, but assistant designer Oliver Vonderahe repeatedly explained the entire collection was solely inspired by The American holiday Thanksgiving. Head dress woven from vintage discarded dreamcatchers circa 1883 decorated with cocteau feathers, rubies and diamonds $3,400.00. Top, pant and boot beaded stitched calf with turquoise beadwork $9,500.00.

We couldn't decide how to categorize this provocative little outfit. Goose feather hat $9,000.00 Chiffon blouse and pant with Silk cuffs $2,300.00 Big brass buckle heals $6,500.00.

For the hipster in all of us, Coattails threw together these casual little numbers! When you just want to drink Bloody Marys and do Brunch on the yacht then follow it up with a free Sonic Youth concert in McCarren Park. Sport this lovely Goose lined Cashmere jumper with Hand Printed Wax Cotton outer shell $2,300.00.

For this years fashion week Coattails will be selling these Instant Pilgrim Disguises in the Coattails Store for $150. Buy one NOW.

THE GOD INTERVIEW

noreply@blogger.com (Merlin) — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 04:14:00 +0000

We here at coattails command a lot of respect. From heads of state, to popstars, to endangered wildlife, everyones chomping at the bit for an interview. But with that comes the responsibility of not letting the readership down. So, last week, when we were brainstorming who to interview next, we thought "Hey, who's the one guy that made all the best records in the '70s, invented pizza, gave britney spears her boob job AND sunk the Titanic? God!" So we all tucked our voodoo idols into our desk drawers and rang him up on the ol' prayer hands for an interview. An hour later, after being turned away for looking exactly like Jeff Bridges in The Big Lebowski, who is, and he knows why, banned from the Coattails Building, in walks God. What'd the big man have to say? Here goes:

COATTAILS:Dude, sup?
GOD:Chillin'.
COATTAILS:Word. Kay, first things first. Fave TV show of all time?
GOD:(blows a thoughtful sigh)Gilmore Girls.
COATTAILS: No way, really?
GOD: I think they're so hot. I totally wanna bang the Gilmore Girls.
COATTAILS: True Dat.You invented "sins". What is the greatest sin, in your opinion, facing the world today?
GOD:If I could rewrite the bible today, I'd put in way more about what are popularly called "party fouls".Like, you know, laughing and blowing the bowl out, or...spilling blow on the carpet,leaving like a hundred half-drunk brews out after a party. Its like, "No dice, bro:You're goin' to hell." (makes "suck-it" hands)
COATTAILS: Favorite color?
GOD: Oh man don't ask me. It's so embarrassing. Hot Pink!
COATTAILS:Really? You're so 80's!
GOD:I know, it's so bad but its so true.
COATTAILS: So you're a father now. How has that changed your life?
GOD: (pause)I'm a little more responsible now. No partying, no staying out every night til 6am. Its a big change, but I love Jesus and I'm committed to raising a good son, who might even come and again and herald the appocalypse someday. You know, if that's what he wants to do.
COATTAILS:Tight. Boxers or briefs?
GOD: Depends on the day.
COATTAILS: Perfect sunday, go:
GOD: Wake up at noon. Cooke a big breakfast. Take a bonghit, sit on my porch. Chill. Go see a movie. Eat out. A bottle of wine at home, and I'm in the sack by midnight, feeling relaxed and ready for the week. It's my day, so, I guess Ive developed my own little ritual.
COATTAILS:Okay, here's a big one: How's the world gonna end?
GOD: Oop! That'd be telling! Lets just say, a lot of people are gonna turn inside out. That's all I'm saying. Oh man, the Christians are gonna kill me.
COATTAILS: You once referred to yourself as a jealous and vengeful god. Why is that? Is that still the case?
GOD:No. Around the time of the old testament, I was a bit of a drama queen, and everytime i came to Earth, I was totally wasted and high as a kite, and so I ended up pulling a lot of dick moves. Abraham, if you're out there, man, I'm sorry for fuckin' with you so much. I was young, you know? I was gonna live forever and be a total rockstar. Nowadays I'd say I'm a big ol' puddy tat.

interview by Coattails Staff
illustration by Michealangelo Buonarrti

HSK SHUFFLE

noreply@blogger.com (Julian) — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

We're all over this shit.

COATTAILS WEBSITE OF THE MONTH!

noreply@blogger.com (Julian) — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 19:42:00 +0000

>>>>>>ILLSVILLE<<<<<<<

WICKED GAME

noreply@blogger.com (Julian) — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 19:48:00 +0000

Wicked Game from The Pool Perties on Vimeo.

COATTAILS WEBSITE OF THE MONTH

noreply@blogger.com (Julian) — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 19:50:00 +0000

This month WE HAVE LASERS!!!

COATTAILS FREEDOM!

noreply@blogger.com (Julian) — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 19:08:00 +0000

Ha, we're back wow... where is everyone? It's just us. I'm kidding we get like 1-200 visits on this site every day. That ain't shit compared to my other site Google dot com. Google! OMG isn't it sohhh crazy how we put that all together like that. Yeah, so what are you guys looking at on this site? I mean, we do have one of the greatest music video collections ever compiled. Send me some mail dude. Oh yeah and you guys send in your polaroids. I post the ones I like. it's fun, yeah...

Anyway we have some exciting stuff coming up like more videos and music and photos. The media that you guys love to experience! The topic of discussion: Freedom. I love freedom. No, I mean I love freedom! Like if freedom were a pussy I'd stick my tongue in it. American freedom could kick any other countries' freedom's ass. Everyone is like, so free here. You can be anything you want to be, yeah man. Even the cops are cool here. Thank you Alan Vega, you're so fun. The 'ol Farmers Almanac says it's supposed to rain all summer here in New York. It's never said that in the history of Farmers Almanacs. I think they started in like the 90's or 1890's, not sure but like a long time ago. Freedom of the press, it's so fucking awesome! You can like write anything and get away with it. Thank you The Onion for inventing a new brand of printed comedy. We could never be as funny as you are. One time, I saw a picture of our newer blacker president hugging some guy from Sandyland and the caption said "Obama is a fag". Dude, seriously, we love you so much. Ok, so like I said send us some mail or feedback on the new "format". I'm just kidding we don't care what you think and we never did, Dad.

Just In! Bloods & Crips Truce

noreply@blogger.com (Julian) — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 19:39:00 +0000

NICKELODEON'S KIDS CHOICE AWARDS

noreply@blogger.com (Julian) — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 19:54:00 +0000

After an award winning year at pretty much every media awards event in the country Coattails wins big again. This time with the kids! According to all those stupid little brats that watch Nickelodeon Coattails is not only theBEST WEBSITE IN AMERICA 2009 but also the BEST SOURCE OF NEWS 2009. We were also nominated in the Most Visited category but lost to this site called Google.com? Anyway, thanks kids!

Oh by the way your author, Julian Duron, was a contestant on Double Dare with Marc Summers in the summer of 1990 and won every physical challenge, conquered the obstacle course in 47 seconds after stopping to take a shit in the Mush Mouth and was repeatedly slimed just for fun. So basically all you bitch ass kids can suck my fucking cock!

Coattails Website of the Month

noreply@blogger.com (Julian) — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 14:05:00 +0000

It's a new year and Coattails is continuing a long honored tradition. The website of the month is...

MUD GUTS!

This site has a nice variety of shit on it from pics to art to other stuff by some people we may ore may not know. Anyway check it out because the site is fucking cool and a pushing the visual based navigation that we are all about!!

Coattails Junk Mail of The Month

noreply@blogger.com (Julian) — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 13:59:00 +0000

Sender: Michelle Monnie Obama

Subject: Penis

Body: purchase today the best pharma, and our goal is very simple, help you find the very Best deals on the prescription drugs you want for your penis. Click here and get what penis you want.

Thank you,

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Coattails Pilot

noreply@blogger.com (Julian) — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 19:52:00 +0000

Our correspondent Anthony Gambino pitched this Coattails Pilot to all the major networks last week. I think we have a good chance!

Mr. T Presents

noreply@blogger.com (Julian) — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 02:58:00 +0000

The hottest spring fashions for 2009

WEBSITE OF THE YEAR!

noreply@blogger.com (Julian) — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 22:39:00 +0000

Our Director Oliver Vanderahe came across this rare gem that we collectively decided to be the website of the YEAR. Our Site of the Month® is a prestigious honor, but annual grand prize could only be given to one of the greatest websites ever in existence. This site is brilliant, stunning, and one of the most important documentations in human history. Drum roll...

COATTAILS WEBSITE OF THE YEAR 2008 IS:

WWW.BOYTAUR.NET

"Outlaw" Bikers Rescue Orphaned Kittens

noreply@blogger.com (Julian) — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 21:34:00 +0000

"I CAN HAS KITTIES" - Ken "Brain Grinder" Smarz AKA Puke Chug

A group of tattooed bikers rescued 180 stranded kittens yesterday afternoon, as part of their ‘in your face’ approach to animal rights activism. They call themselves Rescue Ink.

The cats were all living in a single house in Moriches, New York, that is currently facing foreclosure. When the bikers heard about the soon-to-be homeless cats, they rushed to the scene. Today they begin the task of rescuing and rehabilitating the 180 felines, a job that will take about a week. In their mission statement, they profess their dedication to protecting animal rights: "We will stop at nothing within the bounds of the law to protect animals at risk. We will intercede without hesitation when we are informed of a situation that needs to be addressed, and we will address it. If we need to convince people to do the right thing ... we can be very convincing, we'll even buy animals if that's what it takes to get them away from abusers." [The Sun & Rescue Ink]

Coattails Advertisement Campaign

noreply@blogger.com (Julian) — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 03:08:00 +0000

Happy 2009 guys... Yeah. We wanted to make a BIG impression this year so we sunk all the money we've made in the last two weeks into running these ads on some "popular" websites and radio stations. If you get lucky maybe you will see or hear them "live"

CLICK HERE TO PLAY OUR NEW "RADIO" AD!

Fashion Week Preview (Part 2)

noreply@blogger.com (Julian) — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 20:29:00 +0000

Along with the Coattails Music Vest®, This spring Julián Paris will be gracing fine international retail establishments as Coattails MFG. introduces their lingerie collection called, "Shhh...Shut Up!" The collection was reportedly built on the unprecedented success of the spring line consisting of new materials such as chinchilla, human skin, and chiffon.

Here's what Julián had to say about his new collection:

"I really went back to our roots, went back to work from our original runway shows. The words for me on this collection are flirtatious, fashion and fun!"

Coattails Annual Ultimate Holiday Bummers!

noreply@blogger.com (Julian) — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 02:23:00 +0000

In Holiday Bummer #1, a temporary Wal-Mart employee was trampled to death in a rush of thousands of early morning shoppers as he and other employees attempted to unlock the doors of a Long Island, New York, store at 5 a.m. on Black Friday. Police say more than a dozen tramplers weren't even there to shop, but wanted to be one of the first customers to try the new quadruple patty bacon cheeseburger from the McDonalds inside the store's foyer, which was being debut that morning.

Holiday Bummer #2, an unrelated incident, two boys died in a Toys "R" Us after they argued in the store about who was best at Guitar Hero 3. One boy claimed he had the fastest fingers in the East and proceeded to exhibit his talent hanging from the rafters while playing Free Bird on the hardest setting, which he fell leaving him in a coma. He died in the hospital hours later. The other boy, age 18, was killed by spectators hurling toys at him while playing Jeremy by Pearl Jam on Expert. He was struck in the head by a My Buddy after being called "a harmless little Fuck". Police were baffled.

Happy Holidays from Coattails

noreply@blogger.com (Julian) — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 05:51:00 +0000

Bring Back Corporal Punishment

noreply@blogger.com (Ari Spool) — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 03:05:00 +0000

COATTAILS WEBSITE OF THE MONTH!

noreply@blogger.com (Julian) — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 06:49:00 +0000

Ok this is a really important site for America today. We scalped the internet to find this rare gem... BOYS ARM PITS DOT COM!!!! Put on some soothing music, put on a silky outfit, and click one out on this site.

COATTAILS FASHION WEEK PREVIEW

noreply@blogger.com (Julian) — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 02:56:00 +0000

Welcome, Me

noreply@blogger.com (Ari Spool) — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 00:46:00 +0000

I felt like this place needed some female voices. You know, to even it out.