coattails.org

Dear Coattails,

For the last 24 years I have been locked in the family cellar with three children that my father fathered in a small town called Amstettenn, Austria. It was so boring, and like totally a bummer until one day I discovered your website on the world wide interweb. After that everything seemed hunky dory until my annoying dad kept busting in while I's watching Mash TV and bothering me with all this "I'm going to impregnate you with seven children" crap! It's total bullshit and I could never get any good quality time to myself you know, especially after those stupid inbred kids were born, but luckily Daddy was nice enough to burn one of the little brats in the ol' furnace. Anyway I'm writing you because I'm 42 and just moved to the Big Apple, and am having a lot of trouble getting a good job if you can imagine. I tried this one job where you stand on the side of the street in Bushwick and people flag you down to have sex with you for money, which paid well for a few weeks, but got boring really fast and customers were like "weirded out" when they found out about my "daddy issues". I also tried this other job where I wore a sign that said "FREE DRUMSTICKS TODAY ONLY AT CROWN FRIED CHICKEN", but that only lasted a day. Between Flavor of Love and you guys I had an alright time down there, and wish it would have never ended, but now I'm stuck in the city, and need a job really really badly! Can you help?

Your #1 Fan,

Elisabeth Fritzl

Coattails: I'm sorry but our only opening right now is an unpaid internship. If you're interested, bring that Crown Fried Chicken sign down to our office, fold it inside-out, and with a big black magic marker write: "WWW.COATTAILS.COM #1 WEBSITE IN AMERICA" on both sides. You can just stand out front, and wave if you want. Thanks for the support!