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READER REPORT
Dear Coattails,
I spent over 80 bucks on cleaning products to tidy up my filthy apartment. Multipurpose cleaners, which only clean hard surfaces, a carpet mousse that cleans furniture but costs $12.95, toilet duckhead and shower foam, which I’m not quite sure is necessary, Draino (gotta have it), Comet, and some orange stuff that made one of my eyes bleed.
After all the backbreaking labor and humiliation of uncovering my crustiest nooks, I sat and thought about it... How can I clean and not have to do any work at all? It took a few hours or so for me to give up trying to think of some brilliant idea, but the scientist in me must have really been fucking my ass that day because out of nowhere I thought of the most brilliant idea ever!
I spent a few hours making this flamethrower thingy at my shop and brought it back to the apartment. It weighed so much that it didn’t seem worth the effort. Especially since one of my main issues with cleaning was the labor. Couldn’t hurt to experiment right?
Well as it turns out not really. I sort of fucked up my apartment and the dudes next door a little. Also some of the downstairs apartments, both stairwells, and accidentally killed three of my neighbors kids. I did however fix our roach problem.
Here’s a picture of what people were calling “damage”. After cleaning I was kind of tired so I took a long nap and later woke up to a knocking at the door. My landlord said we were collecting a bunch of money from some fire or something. Basically later I found out that I got paid to clean the entire apartment building, but felt sort of bad about those kids. Now I have a new apartment building that’s full of kids and puppies and stuff, and it’s starting to get dirty again. What do you think I should do?
Your most loyal reader,
Julian C. Duron
Coattails: We're not here to help you. Thanks for reading.
posted by Julian # 7:51 PM 
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I spent over 80 bucks on cleaning products to tidy up my filthy apartment. Multipurpose cleaners, which only clean hard surfaces, a carpet mousse that cleans furniture but costs $12.95, toilet duckhead and shower foam, which I’m not quite sure is necessary, Draino (gotta have it), Comet, and some orange stuff that made one of my eyes bleed.
After all the backbreaking labor and humiliation of uncovering my crustiest nooks, I sat and thought about it... How can I clean and not have to do any work at all? It took a few hours or so for me to give up trying to think of some brilliant idea, but the scientist in me must have really been fucking my ass that day because out of nowhere I thought of the most brilliant idea ever!
I spent a few hours making this flamethrower thingy at my shop and brought it back to the apartment. It weighed so much that it didn’t seem worth the effort. Especially since one of my main issues with cleaning was the labor. Couldn’t hurt to experiment right?
Well as it turns out not really. I sort of fucked up my apartment and the dudes next door a little. Also some of the downstairs apartments, both stairwells, and accidentally killed three of my neighbors kids. I did however fix our roach problem.
Here’s a picture of what people were calling “damage”. After cleaning I was kind of tired so I took a long nap and later woke up to a knocking at the door. My landlord said we were collecting a bunch of money from some fire or something. Basically later I found out that I got paid to clean the entire apartment building, but felt sort of bad about those kids. Now I have a new apartment building that’s full of kids and puppies and stuff, and it’s starting to get dirty again. What do you think I should do?
Your most loyal reader,
Julian C. Duron
Coattails: We're not here to help you. Thanks for reading.
posted by Julian # 7:51 PM