"We're way dumber than you"

coattails.org

 

COATTAILS FASHION RANT




MenStyle Analyst Chas Darby Talks Fashion Fauxs For Men





Anyone who has observed the garish parade that has passed for hipster fashion these past few years has no doubt noticed a disturbing new trend: The Bierdo. The flannels and the skinny jeans were bad enough! Now its all the rage to grow a long disgusting beard,start literallly shitting on yourself, and asking every guy that passes in the street, working hard for his new Italian pointy shoes and two collared shirts, for spare change. I'm not the one with the million dollar Indie rock record deal!

Now, I'm not knocking the idea of going out into the middle of nowhere, chopping wood and growing a beard like a real man, and some of the music isn't so bad (I like sitting in my office and listening to some Fleet Foxes or Iron & Wine every now and then, you know, reliving my Dave Matthews college days.)But is it so wrong that I like my popstars in eye-liner, and not puking on themselves in the middle of the sidewalk with their junky-chic puppy eating it? And when did American Apparel start selling over sized piss-soaked military jackets?

So note to all you hipster bierdos out there: No one cares how cool you are at the Beauty Bar because you twitch and mumble and shit on yourself. If you want respect in the real world then trim your beard, buy some product, and quit screaming about Satan.

Your Typical Hipster "Bierdo":









 

NEW! COATTAILS MOUSE POINTER KITE!

We invented this for all you dumb fucks who think it's clever, funny and/or cool in any way. As a bonus for all who purchase this stupid piece of shit in the next 24 hours, Julian, Oliver and Merlin (Presidents of Coattails) will personally call you with a barrage of insulting put downs and hateful slurs. You're welcome, loser.


 

FASHION WEEK 2010

For the 150th consecutive year Coattails held the prize for "Highest Fashion" on the runway at fashion week in Paris, New York, and Milan in 2009. "The 2010 collection is very important. No one has ever explored the fashion of Thanksgiving! I am impressed." said Channel design icon Karl Lagerfeld. Many praised the S/S 2010 collection calling it "the clothes Jesus and his disciples would've worn if they were at Thanksgiving". Here's a rundown on each piece revealed yesterday at Coattails secret space station runway show somewhere in outer space:



This fierce number blew our minds and reinvented the definition of Thanksgiving haute couture. Head dress woven from vintage discarded dreamcatchers circa 1883 decorated with cocteau feathers, rubies and diamonds $3,400.00. Top and pant beaded and stitched calf $6,500.00. Komodo Dragon loafers $8,500.00


Mister, could you please talk me out of anything I hold dear with your big city lingo?! Coattails' designer Julién C. Durón offers up this unique and spicy alternative to the little black hoodie and skinny jeans. This modern 'pilgrim' wears Goose lined Penguin hat $3,000.00 Chiffon blouse and pant with Silk cuffs $2,300.00 Big brass buckle alligator slip-ons $1,500.00.


Some suggested this palette was inspired by Pocahontas, but assistant designer Oliver Vonderahe repeatedly explained the entire collection was solely inspired by The American holiday Thanksgiving. Head dress woven from vintage discarded dreamcatchers circa 1883 decorated with cocteau feathers, rubies and diamonds $3,400.00. Top, pant and boot beaded stitched calf with turquoise beadwork $9,500.00.

We couldn't decide how to categorize this provocative little outfit. Goose feather hat $9,000.00 Chiffon blouse and pant with Silk cuffs $2,300.00 Big brass buckle heals $6,500.00.


For the hipster in all of us, Coattails threw together these casual little numbers! When you just want to drink Bloody Marys and do Brunch on the yacht then follow it up with a free Sonic Youth concert in McCarren Park. Sport this lovely Goose lined Cashmere jumper with Hand Printed Wax Cotton outer shell $2,300.00.




For this years fashion week Coattails will be selling these Instant Pilgrim Disguises in the Coattails Store for $150. Buy one NOW.


 

THE GOD INTERVIEW


We here at coattails command a lot of respect. From heads of state, to popstars, to endangered wildlife, everyones chomping at the bit for an interview. But with that comes the responsibility of not letting the readership down. So, last week, when we were brainstorming who to interview next, we thought "Hey, who's the one guy that made all the best records in the '70s, invented pizza, gave britney spears her boob job AND sunk the Titanic? God!" So we all tucked our voodoo idols into our desk drawers and rang him up on the ol' prayer hands for an interview. An hour later, after being turned away for looking exactly like Jeff Bridges in The Big Lebowski, who is, and he knows why, banned from the Coattails Building, in walks God. What'd the big man have to say? Here goes:

COATTAILS:Dude, sup?
GOD:Chillin'.
COATTAILS:Word. Kay, first things first. Fave TV show of all time?
GOD:(blows a thoughtful sigh)Gilmore Girls.
COATTAILS: No way, really?
GOD: I think they're so hot. I totally wanna bang the Gilmore Girls.
COATTAILS: True Dat.You invented "sins". What is the greatest sin, in your opinion, facing the world today?
GOD:If I could rewrite the bible today, I'd put in way more about what are popularly called "party fouls".Like, you know, laughing and blowing the bowl out, or...spilling blow on the carpet,leaving like a hundred half-drunk brews out after a party. Its like, "No dice, bro:You're goin' to hell." (makes "suck-it" hands)
COATTAILS: Favorite color?
GOD: Oh man don't ask me. It's so embarrassing. Hot Pink!
COATTAILS:Really? You're so 80's!
GOD:I know, it's so bad but its so true.
COATTAILS: So you're a father now. How has that changed your life?
GOD: (pause)I'm a little more responsible now. No partying, no staying out every night til 6am. Its a big change, but I love Jesus and I'm committed to raising a good son, who might even come and again and herald the appocalypse someday. You know, if that's what he wants to do.
COATTAILS:Tight. Boxers or briefs?
GOD: Depends on the day.
COATTAILS: Perfect sunday, go:
GOD: Wake up at noon. Cooke a big breakfast. Take a bonghit, sit on my porch. Chill. Go see a movie. Eat out. A bottle of wine at home, and I'm in the sack by midnight, feeling relaxed and ready for the week. It's my day, so, I guess Ive developed my own little ritual.
COATTAILS:Okay, here's a big one: How's the world gonna end?
GOD: Oop! That'd be telling! Lets just say, a lot of people are gonna turn inside out. That's all I'm saying. Oh man, the Christians are gonna kill me.
COATTAILS: You once referred to yourself as a jealous and vengeful god. Why is that? Is that still the case?
GOD:No. Around the time of the old testament, I was a bit of a drama queen, and everytime i came to Earth, I was totally wasted and high as a kite, and so I ended up pulling a lot of dick moves. Abraham, if you're out there, man, I'm sorry for fuckin' with you so much. I was young, you know? I was gonna live forever and be a total rockstar. Nowadays I'd say I'm a big ol' puddy tat.

interview by Coattails Staff
illustration by Michealangelo Buonarrti

 

HSK SHUFFLE

We're all over this shit.


 

COATTAILS WEBSITE OF THE MONTH!


>>>>>>ILLSVILLE<<<<<<<

 

WICKED GAME

Wicked Game from The Pool Perties on Vimeo.


 

COATTAILS WEBSITE OF THE MONTH


This month WE HAVE LASERS!!!

 

COATTAILS FREEDOM!


Ha, we're back wow... where is everyone? It's just us. I'm kidding we get like 1-200 visits on this site every day. That ain't shit compared to my other site Google dot com. Google! OMG isn't it sohhh crazy how we put that all together like that. Yeah, so what are you guys looking at on this site? I mean, we do have one of the greatest music video collections ever compiled. Send me some mail dude. Oh yeah and you guys send in your polaroids. I post the ones I like. it's fun, yeah...




Anyway we have some exciting stuff coming up like more videos and music and photos. The media that you guys love to experience! The topic of discussion: Freedom. I love freedom. No, I mean I love freedom! Like if freedom were a pussy I'd stick my tongue in it. American freedom could kick any other countries' freedom's ass. Everyone is like, so free here. You can be anything you want to be, yeah man. Even the cops are cool here. Thank you Alan Vega, you're so fun. The 'ol Farmers Almanac says it's supposed to rain all summer here in New York. It's never said that in the history of Farmers Almanacs. I think they started in like the 90's or 1890's, not sure but like a long time ago. Freedom of the press, it's so fucking awesome! You can like write anything and get away with it. Thank you The Onion for inventing a new brand of printed comedy. We could never be as funny as you are. One time, I saw a picture of our newer blacker president hugging some guy from Sandyland and the caption said "Obama is a fag". Dude, seriously, we love you so much. Ok, so like I said send us some mail or feedback on the new "format". I'm just kidding we don't care what you think and we never did, Dad.



 

Just In! Bloods & Crips Truce


 

NICKELODEON'S KIDS CHOICE AWARDS


After an award winning year at pretty much every media awards event in the country Coattails wins big again. This time with the kids! According to all those stupid little brats that watch Nickelodeon Coattails is not only theBEST WEBSITE IN AMERICA 2009 but also the BEST SOURCE OF NEWS 2009. We were also nominated in the Most Visited category but lost to this site called Google.com? Anyway, thanks kids!




Oh by the way your author, Julian Duron, was a contestant on Double Dare with Marc Summers in the summer of 1990 and won every physical challenge, conquered the obstacle course in 47 seconds after stopping to take a shit in the Mush Mouth and was repeatedly slimed just for fun. So basically all you bitch ass kids can suck my fucking cock!

 

Coattails Website of the Month


It's a new year and Coattails is continuing a long honored tradition. The website of the month is...

MUD GUTS!

This site has a nice variety of shit on it from pics to art to other stuff by some people we may ore may not know. Anyway check it out because the site is fucking cool and a pushing the visual based navigation that we are all about!!




 

Coattails Junk Mail of The Month


Sender: Michelle Monnie Obama

Subject: Penis

Body: purchase today the best pharma, and our goal is very simple, help you find the very Best deals on the prescription drugs you want for your penis. Click here and get what penis you want.

Thank you,

Monnie

 

Coattails Pilot

Our correspondent Anthony Gambino pitched this Coattails Pilot to all the major networks last week. I think we have a good chance!



 

Mr. T Presents

The hottest spring fashions for 2009



 

WEBSITE OF THE YEAR!

Our Director Oliver Vanderahe came across this rare gem that we collectively decided to be the website of the YEAR. Our Site of the Month® is a prestigious honor, but annual grand prize could only be given to one of the greatest websites ever in existence. This site is brilliant, stunning, and one of the most important documentations in human history. Drum roll...

COATTAILS WEBSITE OF THE YEAR 2008 IS:

WWW.BOYTAUR.NET




 

"Outlaw" Bikers Rescue Orphaned Kittens



"I CAN HAS KITTIES" - Ken "Brain Grinder" Smarz AKA Puke Chug


A group of tattooed bikers rescued 180 stranded kittens yesterday afternoon, as part of their ‘in your face’ approach to animal rights activism. They call themselves Rescue Ink.

The cats were all living in a single house in Moriches, New York, that is currently facing foreclosure. When the bikers heard about the soon-to-be homeless cats, they rushed to the scene. Today they begin the task of rescuing and rehabilitating the 180 felines, a job that will take about a week. In their mission statement, they profess their dedication to protecting animal rights: "We will stop at nothing within the bounds of the law to protect animals at risk. We will intercede without hesitation when we are informed of a situation that needs to be addressed, and we will address it. If we need to convince people to do the right thing ... we can be very convincing, we'll even buy animals if that's what it takes to get them away from abusers." [The Sun & Rescue Ink]

 

Coattails Advertisement Campaign

Happy 2009 guys... Yeah. We wanted to make a BIG impression this year so we sunk all the money we've made in the last two weeks into running these ads on some "popular" websites and radio stations. If you get lucky maybe you will see or hear them "live"


CLICK HERE TO PLAY OUR NEW "RADIO" AD!



 

Fashion Week Preview (Part 2)



Along with the Coattails Music Vest®, This spring Julián Paris will be gracing fine international retail establishments as Coattails MFG. introduces their lingerie collection called, "Shhh...Shut Up!" The collection was reportedly built on the unprecedented success of the spring line consisting of new materials such as chinchilla, human skin, and chiffon.

Here's what Julián had to say about his new collection:

"I really went back to our roots, went back to work from our original runway shows. The words for me on this collection are flirtatious, fashion and fun!"



 

Coattails Annual Ultimate Holiday Bummers!



In Holiday Bummer #1, a temporary Wal-Mart employee was trampled to death in a rush of thousands of early morning shoppers as he and other employees attempted to unlock the doors of a Long Island, New York, store at 5 a.m. on Black Friday. Police say more than a dozen tramplers weren't even there to shop, but wanted to be one of the first customers to try the new quadruple patty bacon cheeseburger from the McDonalds inside the store's foyer, which was being debut that morning.



Holiday Bummer #2, an unrelated incident, two boys died in a Toys "R" Us after they argued in the store about who was best at Guitar Hero 3. One boy claimed he had the fastest fingers in the East and proceeded to exhibit his talent hanging from the rafters while playing Free Bird on the hardest setting, which he fell leaving him in a coma. He died in the hospital hours later. The other boy, age 18, was killed by spectators hurling toys at him while playing Jeremy by Pearl Jam on Expert. He was struck in the head by a My Buddy after being called "a harmless little Fuck". Police were baffled.

 

Happy Holidays from Coattails


 

Bring Back Corporal Punishment


 

COATTAILS WEBSITE OF THE MONTH!

Ok this is a really important site for America today. We scalped the internet to find this rare gem... BOYS ARM PITS DOT COM!!!! Put on some soothing music, put on a silky outfit, and click one out on this site.




 

COATTAILS FASHION WEEK PREVIEW


 

Welcome, Me

I felt like this place needed some female voices. You know, to even it out.


 

Coattails Endorsements

Normally we wouldn't do this. but these guys gave us a bunch of money and said they'd fix our cell phones for free... For life. For all of your cell phone needs shop at WORLD OF WIRELESS!



 

Three 6 Mafia Has Zero Tolerance



Update: Three 6 Mafia has publicly stated that they love coattails.org! They said and I quote "You guys is cool dudes man"..."Now try weed, blow, and pills all at the same time... That'll put hair on a chest ya dig?"

Back Story:



With songs like "Slob On My Nob", "Week Azz Bitch", "Hoes Can Be Like Niggaz", and "Fuck Y'all Hoes", Oscar winners Three 6 Mafia probably have the highest drug tolerance of anyone that has ever existed on this planet. Or so we thought...



They drink enough rainbow colored szurp alone to cure flu-like symptoms of every individual in America. When I first tried to contact Triple 6 back in 2004 I promptly got a reply saying "My nigga told me once don't you trust them motherfuckers", which confused me. Maybe he thought I was someone else. The PS read "Don't make me kill, don't make me kill somebody". I was like, "gosh that seems a little excessive". I waited for a year or so before sending another mail. They remembered me and apologized explaining, "We ate so many shrimp, I got iodine poisoning, sorry". This time it seemed like I was making a connection, but I was cautious about approaching them with a question that might hurt their reputation. I sent them a message back saying "Oh, no problem man it's cool, I was hoping I could ask you a few questions about something". He replied "All I wanna know is where the cheese at". Ah, cheese is one of my passions so I knew just where to send him; Tillamook! A week later I got a very angry message back explaining, "Do ya niggas want a war wit us? Do ya niggas want to get your head bust?" This time I was really scared so I waited another month before contacting them again.

After about a thousand death threats I ended up sending them the following message in the mail:

Dear Three 6 Mafia,

Why are you so mean to me? Every time I send you an email I get a death threat in return. My friends and I recently tried "Bin Laden Weed" and found that it got us just as high as any other weed. It seems you guys have a low tolerance for THC, which surprises me because you have such a high tolerance for other drugs. I assumed when you made the Bin Laden song that you'd probably been drinking szurp all day, but what's the deal? You said "I never felt this way off one blunt". One blunt?! Are you kidding? You go on to say " My vision getting blurry I'm about to fall asleep / Or am I dying I need to eat 'cause this some potent weed... The picture starting to fade it's getting hard to breathe / I'm blacking out with no post up under my shirt and sleeve". Maybe you were tired that day or something. I'm worried though, and hope that you guys are ok.

Your #1 white fan,

Julian C. Duron

P.S. If it makes you feel any better we also tried szurp one day and passed out spitting up on our selves, then woke up a week later naked in a motel room covered in milk, someone elses blood, and for some reason had hundreds of Jolly Ranchers stuck in our hair.

They never wrote back. For now I feel really good knowing that I could probably smoke Three 6 Mafia under the table.


 

Coattails Science






Located in an underground bunker at the bottom of the deepest part of the ocean one can find a tiny entrance tunnel to the International Coattails Scientific American Research Center or ICSAC. Around the clock we have the best Toxicologists inflicting all types of weird chemicals on precious and harmless animals. Ladies and gentlemen say hello to our newest creation. We haven't come up with a name for it, but we figure its pretty self explanatory. If not, here's a summary from our publicist.

"We spilled a bunch of mutagens on some fucking cat and exposed a penguin to a shit load of Ionizing radiation, enough said. This little bugger showed up in the office this morning where it was properly laughed at, kicked around, then stomped to death by our staff. Any questions?"

- Julian C. Duron

 

NEW! Coattails junk email of the week!



FROM:
Ashlee Hogan

SUBJECT:
Chineses suffer from quantity, we enjoy quality

BODY:
Now that you've met a gal that's hot
You wanna screw her juicy twat.
She looks so sizzling, she&'s so nice!
But would your penis size be suffice?
Not sure she will ask for more?
You need a thing she would adore!
But how to get it long and thick?
Your only hope is Mega Dick!
You'll get so wanted super-size
And see great pleasure in her eyes!
Your schlong will pound her box so deep,
Tonight you'll hardly fall asleep!

 

Coattails had a posse

I saw this old-timey "chalking board" at school, and noticed that over 18 years ago there was a brilliant exchange of opinion regarding Coattails.org. It is great to know that we had some passionate fans back then.


 

Coattails Website of the Month

Coattails Website of the Month is (drum roll) FAMOUS PLASTIC! Make some popcorn, and break out the chocolate. This site will keep you busy for minutes.






 

Coattails tattoo

A random person sent in this picture of their coattails tattoo. Awesome.



 

NEW COATTAILS GOD©


After years of our doom youth generation worshiping Satan and all of these atheistic neo-hippies looking for something cool to be obsessed with, the staff at Coattails has finally come up with a God for everyone to prey to. Our new Coattails God© brings people together in absolute harmony! Our God© doesn't need some stupid holiday like that fucking fag Jesus to commemorate its birth... Fuck that! Warship Coattails God© or burn in hell period!



 

Coattails Website of the Month!!

This site is one of the best websites on the internet. We have chosen this site based on content, that being some of the most thought provoking imagery we have ever seen. Coattails website of the month is (drum roll)...

WWW.CAKEFARTS.COM

Be sure to click on the links after watching the movie.

 

Coattails Pranks Old Lady


 

Website of the Month

Coattails Website of the Month!!! www.machovideo.com


 

Coattails Anonymous Confession



 

Technical Difficulties!

Coattails staff called by the President to publicly apologize for service outages over the past couple of weeks


Photo of Coattails New York City Offices


According to our stupid interns we have received thousands of emails and letters over the past couple of weeks claiming that Coattails has been "having technical issues" including one very important email from our president George W. Bush which read "I think you guys are having some sort of 'technical issues' with your internet website. Ok? Goodbye now. Your number one fan, George W. Bush."

Here's what coattails had to say:

Dear The President,

Please don't talk to us. We don't care about our site being broken because we eat mushrooms pretty much all day. Anyone who does care enough about our site being down is dumb because nine times out of ten it is a problem with their computer, internet service, or web browser. We're not saying you're dumb because we sort of think you are cool and one of our staff members likes the sound of your laugh because he thinks it sounds like crying. I guess we're like honored to get an email from you and stuff, but please don't send us anymore emails especially ones with frowny faces in the subject line that say "I'm sad". If our site was actually broken I think we would be the first to know. Ok well I'm gonna jet because I have to go eat some chicken right now.

Goodbye,

Julian C. Duron
Coattails

PS: I think you are a very funny president. Please don't let Obama get elected!

 

WEBSITE OF THE MONTH

The winner for June's website of the month: FAT CHICKS IN PARTY HATS!
This classic site has been around since the internet started, and is still going strong!


""are you stuck to my back honey? yes. there is a pizza here."

 

ULTIMATE SUMMER BUMMER


The popular "Batman the Ride" rollercoaster at Six Flags Over Georgia remained closed Sunday while authorities continued investigating the death of a teenager who jumped over two fences and was struck by the ride because he loved Batman and Kenny Logins.

The boy who died was identified as Asia Leeshawn Ferguson, of Springfield, S.C. He was trying to find the real Batman when the incident occurred about 2 p.m. Saturday. It was the second Batman ride-related death at the Cobb County park. According to police and the amusement park, Ferguson and a friend climbed over two 6-foot fences to find the real Batman, but then were distracted by another sign that read "Danger Zone" which lead them to believe that they were about to enter the real danger zone as mentioned in the popular Kenny Loggins song. Signs about 40 to 50 feet apart on the outer fence warn that "you will not find the real Batman here", and also "you will not find the actual Danger Zone here either".

Ferguson was decapitated when the ride struck him, police said

"It is clear why the two boys were trying to gain access to this unauthorized area," park spokeswoman Hela Sheth told reporters Saturday, reading from a prepared statement. They were really into Batman and Kenny Loggins".

She declined to answer questions at a news conference and did not return calls seeking more information.

 

NEW!

Coattails Website of the Month!

Here at Coattails headquarters we have our people surfing the world wide interweb around the clock searching for the coolest new websites. It's hard to find sites even worth a mention but from here on out we will be highlighting at least one new site a month that we believe deserves the honor of Coattails Website of the Month

The winner of Coattails Website of the Month May 2008 is:

Hot Chicks with Douche Bags!


 

COATTAILS POLITICAL ENDORSEMENTS!

Like, Obama!
By Tiffany


Hi,I'm Tiffany, and this is my first political editorial column for Coattails! They're so nice. I met them at a club and even though I was totally wasted they still took me home. They're so sweet! Ohmygod, anyways, I dont really like politics, even. Like, I wasn't really sure what politics was until I got to college last year and all dated this guy who was always like talking about them. But I was so bored! Until I found out about Obama in Us Magazine. He's a celebrity! Anyways, Im totally for Obama. My Daddy is so cheesed off cuz he's like a muslim and stuff but I dont even care. (And I found out muslims arent all babykillers either, Daddy. Did you think they wouldn't tell me that in college? Well they did!) Anyways, Obama is totally C-U-T-E! He is like, such a dork, but like in a really cute way. He totally looks like Usher (I <3 USHER!!!). Or like a cross between Usher and Will Smith (he-is-so-FUNNY!). And hes like, really smart! But not even that, he like totally wants to change things! Like, apparently they don't even care what I think in Washington right now! And I go to the University of Washington!! So Obamas going to like, put my voice back in Washington, which is like so great. And like, all those republicans like Hillary are totally bitching out on him, but have you seen how she dresses? Gag me with a spoon, are you my Grandma? Ugh. But like, hes got all these really good ideas, like hope, and change, and like hes really sweet and stuff and guys are never like that. Like, you could tell him anything. Ohmygosh but the best part is theres all these cute Obama clothes! Like really cute shirts and stuff, so you dont have to look really gross to support him.




You GO, Hillary!
By Dax


Heyyy, I'm Dax, and this is my first political opinion column for Coattails. They are so fabulous. I met them at a club and even though I was completely wasted they took me home. They're so sweet, and I really needed that ecstasy fueled butt massaging party. Anyhoo, I'm here to discuss my support for Hillary. You go, girl! We need a WOMAN'S TOUCH in this country. She is so strong. And I know exactly how she feels! That Bill thing and all. After I found out my Perry was sleeping with his intern, I could hardly get out of bed for a WEEK. I just sat around eating Bon-Bons and watching The Mirror Has Two Faces over and over again. But now she's out of the house and taking that man's Presidency all for herself. Good for you, sister!! Obama and all those other breeders need to GET OFF HER BACK! Sure, she wears some pretty horrible outfits (pantsuits, sweety?), but leave her alone! After what Perry did to me I couldn't dress myself either, I just walked around in my baggy sweatpants, Oh my GOD! I looked terrible. I didn't tan or work out, and the Bon-Bons, well, honey, I'm lucky I recovered at all. So vote for Hillary. She deserves this! And that bitch Monica and that little Puerto Rican hussy Rodriguez at Perry's firm need to BURN IN HELL! Homewreckers!

 

DEAR COATTAILS


Dear Coattails,

For the last 24 years I have been locked in the family cellar with three children that my father fathered in a small town called Amstettenn, Austria. It was so boring, and like totally a bummer until one day I discovered your website on the world wide interweb. After that everything seemed hunky dory until my annoying dad kept busting in while I's watching Mash TV and bothering me with all this "I'm going to impregnate you with seven children" crap! It's total bullshit and I could never get any good quality time to myself you know, especially after those stupid inbred kids were born, but luckily Daddy was nice enough to burn one of the little brats in the ol' furnace. Anyway I'm writing you because I'm 42 and just moved to the Big Apple, and am having a lot of trouble getting a good job if you can imagine. I tried this one job where you stand on the side of the street in Bushwick and people flag you down to have sex with you for money, which paid well for a few weeks, but got boring really fast and customers were like "weirded out" when they found out about my "daddy issues". I also tried this other job where I wore a sign that said "FREE DRUMSTICKS TODAY ONLY AT CROWN FRIED CHICKEN", but that only lasted a day. Between Flavor of Love and you guys I had an alright time down there, and wish it would have never ended, but now I'm stuck in the city, and need a job really really badly! Can you help?

Your #1 Fan,

Elisabeth Fritzl



Coattails: I'm sorry but our only opening right now is an unpaid internship. If you're interested, bring that Crown Fried Chicken sign down to our office, fold it inside-out, and with a big black magic marker write: "WWW.COATTAILS.COM #1 WEBSITE IN AMERICA" on both sides. You can just stand out front, and wave if you want. Thanks for the support!

 

COATTAILS MFG.

Tired of going to a city and not knowing where the good stuff is? Our new public transit maps will point you in the right direction including shopping, entertainment, and five star dining! Available in most urban American cities with a public transit system.



Get yours today at WWW.COATTAILS.ORG

 

Shark Escapes From New York Aquarium



Bertha, a sand tiger shark who had lived at the New York Aquarium since the 1960s and was believed to be one of the oldest sharks in any aquarium in the world, escaped on Saturday, the Wildlife Conservation Society announced on Tuesday. She was believed to be at least 43 years old.

“There was a lot of sadness,” said Hans Walters, a marine biologist who is the supervisor of sharks and the sea cliffs exhibit at the aquarium in Coney Island in southern Brooklyn. “It was a rough to have lost this animal, I mean fish. She was a crafty one.”

Mr. Walters explained that as a last resort, the aquarium had euthanized Bertha. “She had been in declining health over the past month or so and we had started a series of treatments for her,” he said in a phone interview. “She seemed to rally a couple of weeks ago after we shot her with dart containing Phenyl Cyclohexyl Piperidine, or PCP if you're not familiar. She was doing really well, but at the end of this past week, she showed sharky withdrawals. We ended up restarting treatments again. When we realized they didn’t have any effect, we knew she would try to break out, but the security guard Billy fell asleep at the wheel!"

For now the Aquarium is dispersing these flyers throughout all five boroughs:


 

COATTAILS COLLECTORS GUILD

My name is Julian and I'm 26 years old. When I was a little shit Topps ruled our world of trading cards and bubblegum. Garbage Pail Kids, WWF Wrestling, Star Wars, and Ninja Turtle Cards gave us all a reason to keep on living. Today's Coattails Collectors Guild focuses on one set of collector cards that some fellow losers may or may not remember in the golden year of 1988.


DINOSAURS ATTACK! is a collector card series from Topps containing 55 cards and 11 Stickers.

A Short History by Bob Heffner:

The United States Civil War Centennial Celebration was still going strong in 1962 when Topps produced a set of cards titled THE CIVIL WAR. The cards were the idea of Len Brown and Woody Gelman. Gelman recalled an earlier series of cards from the 1930's called HORRORS OF WAR that had made a large impact because of the graphic violence that was shown. They felt that boys would react strongly if they did a combination Civil War Chronicle with the feel of the old Horrors of War cards. Because of the title of the "newspaper-like journal" on the back the set has become known as the CIVIL WAR NEWS. The cards were graphic, bloody and extremely successful.



In 1962 the MARS ATTACKS bubble-gum card set was produced by "Bubbles, Inc." (an alternate company name for Topps). Due to Brown and Gelman's earlier success with their historical card set called "Civil War News" that the kids loved, they knew they had the formula for a smashing success. They would combine the sci-fi Martian scenario with the graphic gore of a kind of interplanetary civil war. Instead of North vs. South, it would be the Martians vs. the Earthlings. The cards, which sold for 5 cents a pack in 1962, were quickly denounced by parents who were shocked by the bloody, gory, graphic pictures, and were pulled off the market after a very short time.



Three years after MARS ATTACKS, in 1965, Topps produced a set entitled BATTLE. The World War II card series didn't sell particularly well and that ended the Topps/Brown/Gelman trilogy of great painted card sets.



However, Topps tried once more with the DINOSAURS ATTACK! cards that came out in 1988.. At that time there was a lot of interest in Dinosaurs and Brown and Gelman thought a blood and guts series like the old ones would be unusual enough to be sucessful again. But it never broke through as a card series in a big way. Just hard core collectors seemed to love them. The series was certainly inspired by Mars Attacks. When Tim Burton had Warner Bros. acquire the rights for the Mars Attacks film, they also bought the rights to Dinosaurs Attack.










FUCK'N KICK ASS!

 

Fashion Week NYC 2008

New York Fashion Week, Fall '08 is in full effect and it is clear the theme of "change" in the Presidential elections is spilling over on the runways. Coattails are in the air as Fall ’08 departs from the very traditional to reveal a cheerful modern twist on timeless classics such as the little black dress. Below is our take for the first two days of NY Fashion Week Fall ’08.


Hung Like a Horse : Leather & Silk $2500

Color: Fall '08 palettes include horse hair browns and blacks. However, Julian is also embracing change with invigorating rich color palettes such as piggy pink, skin tones, snakey green, and stunning black and red combinations.


Lil Miss Piggy : Chinchilla $9600

Fabrics: Horse fur, human skin, flowing chiffon, and plush animal pelts remain dominant to keep us fashionably warm. But, watch for models sashaying down the runway draped in luxurious green silks which sort of makes you think it's spring all over again.


Le Snake : Chiffon $1600

Trends: Julian is keeping things very simple but reaching back in time to give us bits and pieces of the 10,000s (BC), 400s (BC), and a tad bit of the '90s. Take for example, This lovely garment giving us a very modern take on the gladiator look of 450 BC complete with a refined head piece, silk cape, leather brief, and a whole lot of attitude!


Mr. Gladiator : Human Skin, Silk, Leather $9200

As you can see Coattails continues to be the label to watch on the runway, blowing away the competition in Paris, London, and now at New York City's prestigious Fall Fashion Week 2008!

 

SCANDAL: COATTAILS STAFF ADMITS TO GETTING HIGH...CONSTANTLY!



























By Coattails.org Staff

Huh? Oh. I'm like writing an article. Okay. So like the staff of Coattails.org, amid allega...allagations? Allegations of drug-use being the cause for their lack of posting new materials on the once thriving, um, Coattails.org website, has admitted it. But like, not the hard stuff...except for some of us, it's a big staff. And what defines "hard stuff" anyways? I mean, I think it all depends on how well you function day-to-day, and how well you can keep up on your obligations. Oops! Wrote myself into a little corner there! Man, no wonder we never do this writing stuff...what was I saying?

Oh, yeah, mostly we just smoke a little weed! Sure we're hop-heads, we like that mother-of pearl, but we ain't like, on junk all the time, and most of us don't use needles when we are! I mean, man, even the president SMOKES heroin, that's completely different than using needles*. But like, we're clean. Now. Totally. I mean, not most of us. But most of us are. So like...more posting, yay! Right? Ugh.

Anyways, reports hint that the famed MashTV arm of the Coattails.org beast is suffering from Merlin only wanting to post Soul Asylum and Space videos (they did that song "Female of the Species", remeber?) on the site, which are for all intents and purposes, only cool when you're in the room, um, NOT doing drugs with Merlin. A rep for Mr. Mannelly had no comment on the subject. At least he seemed like a rep, he holds a sign that says "NEED A HUG...BUT $ WILL DO(smily face)" outside of Starbucks (Can we say "Starbucks" on national internet?). Any case, sounds like a rep to us.

Reforms are reportedly on the way though, guys. I heard this guy has this new stuff that is like, energy weed, like, you totally can do stuff on it. We're getting a bunch! Also, in related news, Oliver is a fag. This is the staff of Coattails.org, singing off.

*The Coattails.org staff doesn't judge!

 

TWO ULTIMATE HOLIDAY BUMMERS


Ultimate Bummer #1:



Police are treating the San Francisco Zoo as a crime scene today, one day after a 350-pound tiger escaped and attacked three visitors from San Jose, killing a 17-year-old boy before hunting down and seriously injuring two of his friends. Here's what they had to say:

It was supposed to be the best holiday ever. We spent all Christmas morning smoking this ounce of weed I got from my Uncle Pete, and we were fucking bored so we started talking about going to the zoo and looking at the monkeys all stoned and shit. It was Carlos' idea dude. He was all, "bro, you know what we should do this Christmas?" And we were like "smoke this ounce of Uncle Pete weed and go to the fucking zoo?" And he's all "exactly!" So we go to the fucking zoo and this shit happens. It's so fucking annoying dude. There's nothing much we can fucking do now. This will be investigated, it's going to take some time.

Carlos Sousa Jr. was killed Christmas evening outside the tiger grotto, which is protected by a 25- to 30-foot-wide moat and 14-foot-high wall. Tatiana, a 350-pound Siberian tiger that also attacked a zookeeper almost exactly a year ago, was shot by police as it mauled one of the survivors 300 yards away from the grotto.



Ultimate Bummer #2:

A child playing with the Christmas gift she wanted most was hit and killed on the northwest side Tuesday morning. Seven-year-old Jackie Solis and her brother were riding their new bikes on the 300 block of Basswood Drive and Deniece Street when the girl was hit by a passing vehicle. The unidentified driver told police he didn’t see the child riding. Police said the driver stopped immediately and tried to help. Here's what the driver had to say:

"I wasn't drunk on eggnog wink wink. Naw I'm just kidd'n I had a couple Lone Stars, but don't tell the cops. That little rat came outa nowhere man. I was driv'n along listening to David Allen Coe when all of the sudden I felt a cute little bump in the road. Thought I ran over a goddamn gofer man. Turns out it was a little girl."

Throughout the day, people placed cards, flowers and stuffed animals at a makeshift memorial where the child died. One card read "What were you thinking?" Another simply read "dumbass."

All the parents had to say was "pinche gringo!"

 

NEW! COATTAILS TOP TEN




Here Are the Top Ten Porn Titles Adapted From Hollywood Films:


1. Fast Times at Deep Crack High
2. Super Size My Snatch
3. Star Whores
4. Harry Twatter
5. Romancing the Ass
6. Girl With a Pearl Necklace
7. Dude Where's My Snatch
8. Boyz N Da Holes
9. Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
10. School of Cock

 

I Am Nicholas Cage, And I Love Fast Cars.

They remind me of my penis, they're both hard, fast, and loud. And they both need lots of oil and regular "tune ups" if you know what I mean. You know what I mean, right? "Tune ups"? Get it?

Anyways I love my little buddy as much as I love fast cars so when I got this sweet new Mustang GT we decided to put the "tang" in Mustang, and go score some roadtail. Because me and my little buddy can polish more rear end than a body shop working overtime if you know what I mean. I mean my penis has a job at body shop and polishes the rear ends of a lot of cars. And ever since Carlos walked out on the job in the middle of a shift my dick has been pulling down like, 25 hours of overtime a week so he's like, really needin' some roadtail.

So, we get in the car and start cruisin' around with the top down just let it all hang out and that's when it hits me, my penis isn't a sentient being. There is no way it can possibly have a job at a body shop and if it did, it wouldn't be able to cash it's paychecks because it doesn't even have it's own social security number let alone a bank account. Wow! The plot to Ghost Rider made more sense than that.

And that's when I stopped taking Vicoden every day.

The End.

 

YOU'RE DEAD!


So now we've told a few people about the site, and naturally we've gotten a lot of feedback. The first mail I got was from this random guy that said "This is the best website ever! Are you guys looking for contributors?" Ummm Ok, I wont even answer that. The second one was from a long lost friend that said "This is my new favorite site on the internet". You dumb fuck old friend, I don't care about you. The third one simply said "brilliant" in the subject with no body. Ooh cool thanks allot idiot. I guess it is sort of fun watching the little trash can thingy empty each time I delete a message. I see a very positive trend forming, which makes me very very very upset :(

Do you see a trend forming? The mail is piling up like SPAM and I'm probably not going to answer any of them except for the cool people. Basically if your a dumb fuck and you don't see where I'm going with this let me break it down for you simple like.

Coattails is the best fucking website in the entire fucking universe PERIOD!!! You are nothing unless you think we have the best website and we think your website is cool. For those wondering, there is no other site like this on the Internet. How do we know? Fuck you. Nothing you do is original unless you copied it from something we thought of first, which you involuntarily copy subconsciously without realizing it. You watched our favorite videos, listened to our favorite music, and ride our Coattails...

You're not welcome stupid,

Coattails

P.S. Kill yourself :)

 

READER REPORT

Dear Coattails,

I spent over 80 bucks on cleaning products to tidy up my filthy apartment. Multipurpose cleaners, which only clean hard surfaces, a carpet mousse that cleans furniture but costs $12.95, toilet duckhead and shower foam, which I’m not quite sure is necessary, Draino (gotta have it), Comet, and some orange stuff that made one of my eyes bleed.



After all the backbreaking labor and humiliation of uncovering my crustiest nooks, I sat and thought about it... How can I clean and not have to do any work at all? It took a few hours or so for me to give up trying to think of some brilliant idea, but the scientist in me must have really been fucking my ass that day because out of nowhere I thought of the most brilliant idea ever!



I spent a few hours making this flamethrower thingy at my shop and brought it back to the apartment. It weighed so much that it didn’t seem worth the effort. Especially since one of my main issues with cleaning was the labor. Couldn’t hurt to experiment right?



Well as it turns out not really. I sort of fucked up my apartment and the dudes next door a little. Also some of the downstairs apartments, both stairwells, and accidentally killed three of my neighbors kids. I did however fix our roach problem.



Here’s a picture of what people were calling “damage”. After cleaning I was kind of tired so I took a long nap and later woke up to a knocking at the door. My landlord said we were collecting a bunch of money from some fire or something. Basically later I found out that I got paid to clean the entire apartment building, but felt sort of bad about those kids. Now I have a new apartment building that’s full of kids and puppies and stuff, and it’s starting to get dirty again. What do you think I should do?

Your most loyal reader,

Julian C. Duron

Coattails: We're not here to help you. Thanks for reading.

 

Fashion Week NYC 2007

The first days of Fall and Winter showings covered every predictable shade of fashion opinion, as well as some unpredictable ones:

Coattails carried the banner for conventional clothes in the collections mostly presented in tents in the courtyard of New York’s Fashion Week. Julian C. Duron, for the company that bears his own name (Julían Paris) owned by Coattails Mfg., stretched the definition of conventional considerably.


Chiffon Baseball $3,700

He made black leggings the foundation of almost everything, usually pairing them with ankle-high boots with cutouts over the heels, and a signature hat, which had everyone out of their seats, and on their cell phones. The procedure put an utterly new slant on that old staple, the little black dress. Made for the attention whore in all of us, these floaty morsels in chiffon or crepe scream high fashion, but if you're working class like me, get ready to dip into Jr.'s college fund.


Crepe Football $2,300

He does not really believe his floating chiffons can change the world, but he hopes they can help people feel more buoyant. The clothes look calm and beautiful, whether they are in pale abstract prints, rich sports patterns or the wonderful shape of a chilie pepper acquired by adding to the fabric, vinyl or leather if you’re really spendy.


Chilie Pepper Vinyl $1,700 (Or leather $3,600)

The clothes are mostly easy-fitting jumpsuits plus some mildly shaped shifts and each hat custom fitted to the client. “Only the finest materials are put into these hats” says Coattails Corrispondant Merlin M. Mannely. Sometimes lace is sandwiched between two sheer layers or applied to the bodice of shape and colors. Within the styles' simple framework, the cuts are marvelously inventive, and I am certain that they will sweep the trends in the US and Paris in the coming months.

Chiffon Chef $2,300

 

Martin Scorsese New Charles Manson?

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

I was watching Cape Fear last night, which by the way isn't that good, and I thought to myself, "Merlin, why is Bobby DeNiro such a total creep? When he's not trying to rape a 16 year old*, he's trying to, uh, sleep with a 15 year old**. Y'know, that and all the violence. I've probably seen him beat up at least twenty men and women." And then I said to myself, "Self, who is this guy's 'Daddy'?"

You see, in the Manson Family, Charlie was the "daddy". What later became psychotic mass-murderers started out as fresh-faced young men and women (possibly on their way to becoming actors....?), but were twisted under the direction of "Daddy" Manson. So who was directing Bobby D?

Martin "Helter Skelter" Scorsese, that's who!

Our crack team of investigators dusted off their Fedoras and hit the streets to find out if there was any merit to these outrageous claims, and were sadly proven.....right.
Marty Scrosese has been brainwashing his own beefed-up, star-powered Manson Family right under our noses.

The Family, as near as our investigators are aware, consists of Bobby DeNiro, Sandra "Funny But Not Pretty" Bernhard, Joseph Acacia Pesci, Leonardo "Sunshine" DiCaprio, Harvey "Bad Lieutenant" Keitel, Harry "The Dean" Dean-Stanton, Willem "Merlin" Defoe, and Jody Foster.

Bobby is indisputably the favorite son, being driven to commit the longest string of atrocities, including but not limited to; various counts of rape, murder, and theft....ON TAPE!!

Sandra Berhard was Daddy Scorsese's little girl. Never implicated in any of Marty's murders, the extent of her recorded crimes involve merely the kidnapping and rape of comedy great Jerry Lewis (who had it coming). Perhaps due to her lack of cold killer instinct, Marty chose not to disclose any more tapes of her animal transgressions. Which is fine, she's not that pretty.

Joseph Acacia "Joe" Pesci has always been the wild-card. Murder, theft, extortion, armed Robbery, and all committed with an Oscar-award winning passion. Recently booted out of the Scorsese Ranch for being a loose cannon, reportedly daring to break Marty's nose on vacation in Mexico (see his wykopedia entry for more details). His current whereabouts are unknown.

Willem Defoe and Harry Dean-Stanton participated in the most heinous of all of Marty's crimes: the crucifixion of Jesus of Nazareth, succeeding where Charlie had failed and thereby usurping his throne-of-tears. The two now deny involvement in the murder of Jesus, and most of the evidence is at this point decayed beyond recognition. Harvey Keitel is suspected of turning Jesus over to the Romans, but once more, the evidence is inconclusive.

Jody Foster was one his first and most loyal children. Involved with Marty since fifteen, she prostituted herself on the mean streets of New York to various taxi drivers after hours. After a falling out with Marty in the nineties, she was seen courting the attentions of the infamous Dr. Hannibal Lecter, possibly in attempt to replace Marty.

The final and most troubling addition to The Family would have to be Leonardo DiCapprio. Once a retarded young mid-westerner living with his grotesquely over weight mother and now famous older brother, Gilbert Grape, Dicapprio changed his name and moved to the Scorsese ranch in LA. What sick shit are they up to?

So there you have it! The truth behind one of the most twisted minds of our time: Marty Scorsese. Surprised? Neither am I.


(* as chronicled in the documentary Cape Fear)
(** as chronicled in the documentary Raging Bull)

 

Happy Hip Hop Mayhem




A ferocious feud over who has the top Happy Hip Hop album is heating up this week on Broadway. After two deadly gun battles in Brooklyn, Police are wondering, "What the hell is going on?"

We talked to Bob Rizzo who claimed, "Jen and Jacquelyn Negus are fucking posers." He explained, "It's a different world out here in New York. Those two should have never even walked into Steps on Broadway that day, with their toe tapping new wave Christian bullshit, I should have busted out eight or nine Rizzo spins on their asses, but the video cameras weren't rolling." Bob went on to say, "fuck those stupid dykes! The kids in my camp could take those evangelical toddler fuck heads any day of the week. Ask anyone on the streets who’s the toughest Happy Hip Hoppers in New York!"

Jacq n' Jen say, "Bob Rizzo is mean." I met up with Jen for brunch to talk about her time dancing at Steps, "I remember when we got to New York back in 87. My dream had always been to be a big huge star on Broadway, so all I wanted to do was dance dance dance. Jacky had just started writing new material for our fist album "Funky (Christian) Grooves". Bob took a liking to us real quick. He started taking us out to dinner, then naturally that turned into all night coke parties at Tunnel. I was 15 then, and Happy Hip Hop hadn't really hit the scene yet. Back then it was yo yo this, and kill a moth'a fuck'a that, you know?"

Jacquelyn joined us and told me the story from her perspective. "Bob Rizzo came up to me with Spector wanting new material for this project they were working on called "Fantastic Funky Hip Hop Surprise". I didn't like the name so Jen and I decided to branch off and do our own thing. I think I had just turned 16 when Jen and I wrote, produced, and distributed "Jammy Tunes", "Happy Jamz", and our third album "Steady Toe Tap'n." That's how the whole Happy Hip Hop thing started."

Police say "This is nothing new out here. This battle has been going on for almost two decades now, and nobody knows what to do about it." We talked to Chief Apig O. Fatfaük and asked him what he thought. His only response was, "I'm hungry." I guess we'll see what happens in the coming weeks.

 

One Food vs. Another Food



We're better... Most Thai places keep their coffee pre-brewed & stored in a pitcher covered with saran wrap in the fridge. Ok, gross! One time I had fresh brewed Thai coffee and got really sick after drinking it. The old Thai man that served it to me said, "Does your gut feel like raging tiger is kicking around inside?" I said, " Not really, it feels like the Thai iced coffee you served me gave me diarrhea". He said, "It never Thai iced coffee that make you sick, it's that you have pussy American gut."

So just to simply compare, I went to the best coffee roaster in Seattle called Vivacci Rosteria on Broadway. I walked up to the counter and said, "quad-iced American if you would"... "And the fine young Christian boy, I believe his name was Cole, said "sure thing dude, com'n right up". After fresh grinding, packing, and pressurizing my shots, he poured a friendly little beaver in the top of it for me, and said, "that'll be two ninety five brother". The Thai iced man didn't even try to pour any kind of design in my iced coffee. Now I guess you see exactly what I mean! American coffee is better, period! You can't spell Americano without America DUDE!

 

S'n some P.



I went to go pick up some weed at this dude's house. Ok, he got really mad because I brought my friend over without letting him know. Well I did however forget to mention that my friend was a narc in the CIA for 20 years. Oops my bad! He's cool now though. So this weed seller (note he is not a drug dealer) got pretty pissed because peddling weed has made him hyper-paranoid. Every time he comes around the office now he’s like, “Can we do this in the bathroom, or better yet what’s in that little room?” Dude, this is an apartment in Seattle, and that’s a closet…

 

WELCOME TO HELL!



This site is an outlet for sharing our hatred, love, stories, and other crap we like to talk about, but mostly I would like to point out one thing: You are a roach. A pest on our site, dying in the drain... OK ewwwe! I must mention that on this site we know everything, and you don't know shit, and there’s nothing you can say about it. Well, you could send us an email, but we're probably not going to read it unless we think you're cool. Deal with it! You definitely wont get through with an email saying "why don't you guys ever read my emails" in the subject line... Fuck you, we're not going to read those emails ever! And anyway, I'm too busy cooking some chicken right now so I gotta to go. Sorry!

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